"The Root of My Evil"
"The Thorn in My Side"
"The Bane of My Existence"
Whichever of these titles fits..... take your pick.
I have recently, this past week, attempted to do two things.... Effy's Lesson in Lifebook 2013 about Heart Sight/ Heart Light and the "Inner Excavation" chapter 6 "I Open My Heart". Now for those of you familiar with my art it is mostly cheerful and happy. However, if I could pinpoint one issue that I have, it would be this.
Somethings I have come to understand about myself more in depth over the past week:
1. I feel like I cannot share my heart and soul with anyone.
2. This is due to trust issues.
3. I feel like I shall burst open if I cannot do this.
4. I feel like no one loves me even though I know my family does.
5. This is of my own doing.
To think of trusting someone with my heart, body, and soul brings tears to my eyes and invokes a panic attack. I know that I want this, need this, desire this. But, at the same time, I don't know how.
It makes me depressed and lonely sometimes not to be able to do this or to have someone with which to share with. I really wish I could trust someone that much. But people are fickle.
I want someone to love me for who I am and not only because I make them feel good. I need that too.
A therapist told me a long time ago --- I give so much of myself to others and it seems there is no one to give anything back to me. My cup is empty and needs to be refilled- but who can I trust to fill it when needed?
People just take and take and don't give anything back. Why are people so selfish?
Maybe I have become self-absorbed due to trying to fill my own cup for so long. I feel like a sinking ship and panic because the hole keeps getting bigger and I'm trying to keep it from flooding. I welcome help but, in the end, the helpers were just passing through with no thoughts of actually helping- just there to say hi.
I really and truly believe this is my issue. I have made a life for myself, am generally happy with the person I am. Love my little homestead with all of its beauty, enjoy being able to create art whenever I feel like it. I have my family all around. I can pretty much do whatever I want.
But I still feel this hole, the missing part of me...
If I could put this all into a poem I would but not today :-)