Monday, August 5, 2013

Blogalong with Effy the Wild and the Glitterhood

"The Root of My Evil"
"The Thorn in My Side"
"The Bane of My Existence"

Whichever of these titles fits..... take your pick.

I have recently, this past week, attempted to do two things.... Effy's Lesson in Lifebook 2013 about Heart Sight/ Heart Light and the "Inner Excavation" chapter 6 "I Open My Heart".  Now for those of you familiar with my art it is mostly cheerful and happy.  However, if I could pinpoint one issue that I have, it would be this.

Somethings I have come to understand about myself more in depth over the past week:
1.  I feel like I cannot share my heart and soul with anyone.
2.  This is due to trust issues.
3.  I feel like I shall burst open if I cannot do this.
4.  I feel like no one loves me even though I know my family does.
5.  This is of my own doing.

To think of trusting someone with my heart, body, and soul brings tears to my eyes and invokes a panic attack.  I know that I want this, need this, desire this.  But, at the same time, I don't know how.

It makes me depressed and lonely sometimes not to be able to do this or to have someone with which to share with.  I really wish I could trust someone that much.  But people are fickle.

I want someone to love me for who I am and not only because I make them feel good.  I need that too. 

A therapist told me a long time ago --- I give so much of myself to others and it seems there is no one to give anything back to me.  My cup is empty and needs to be refilled- but who can I trust to fill it when needed?

People just take and take and don't give anything back.  Why are people so selfish? 

Maybe I have become self-absorbed due to trying to fill my own cup for so long.  I feel like a sinking ship and panic because the hole keeps getting bigger and I'm trying to keep it from flooding.  I welcome help but, in the end, the helpers were just passing through with no thoughts of actually helping- just there to say hi.

I really and truly believe this is my issue.  I have made a life for myself, am generally happy with the person I am.  Love my little homestead with all of its beauty, enjoy being able to create art whenever I feel like it.  I have my family all around.  I can pretty much do whatever I want.

But I still feel this hole, the missing part of me...

If I could put this all into a poem I would but not today :-)