Sunday, August 25, 2013

Poetry/Musings on Vulnerability and Daring Greatly

Confusing, Heart-wrenching.... Amazing????
Necessary to live and be alive.
To be a person, to be human.
To be vulnerable is to blindly trust.
To connect, to love.
To be naked.

Necessary evil.  Not evil.
Cannot numb, shield, or run.
I have a shield but should not use it.
A test. False. Coping mechanism.
To disconnect is my default.
To disconnect is to give up on life.

Hurts to be vulnerable.
But necessary to life.
Working on it- slowly.
New to me.

Who to trust?
Who deserves my trust?  My vulnerability?
My marbles jar.... put some in and take some out.
Never smash the jar...... unless......

Choose to be vulnerable.
Choose to live, to be alive, to be human.
Trust.  Vulnerability.  Connection.  Love.
Blind and Naked.
Put marbles in the jar.

Daring Greatly

The past week I have been reading a wonderful book by Brene Brown called "Daring Greatly:  How Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead".

It is a most wonderful book that I highly recommend and is available for the Kindle :-)

The basic idea of the book is that people are hard-wired for connection... it's why we are here on the planet.  Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.  It is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  But, it is a necessary part of being human, being alive.  Without these connections and vulnerability, we become disconnected and this leads to depression and suicide and destructive behaviors.  We use this strategy (at least I know that I do) to keep from being too vulnerable..... Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy.

In order to be more connected and vulnerable, based on extensive research, she has come up with the idea of "Whole Hearted Living".  It basically boils down to this....

Let go of:
What people think of you
Numbing and powerlessness
Scarcity and fear of the dark
Need for Certainty
Exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
Anxiety as a lifestyle
Self-doubt and "Supposed to"
Being cool and always in control

The book explains each of these in detail and I am grateful to have found this book as it explains a lot about our culture and personal connections and what we can do to fix them before it is too late.  It is never too late for our selves.  Society is screwed ;-)

I will probably be writing more about this book as I have more to share.  Hopefully at least a few people can take something from this.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Lifebook 2013 Radical Compassion/Radical Forgiveness

This Lifebook 2013 Lesson was one in which I was in need of (thank you Tamara LaPorte xoxox)
I think that most people chose a lesser issue to practice with and as a piece of public artwork.  However, I had already done much of the internal work for this and was ready to move on and let it out!

Tam uses "Non-violent Communication" or "Compassionate Communication" in this lesson..... so, here goes the process

First comes Self-Empathy....

Observation- Cause of distress is failed marriage/relationship
I know all of the why's and how's of this.... spent the past two years on this so identifying the cause of my distress was the easy part.

My Feeling- hurt, betrayed, enraged, depressed, disappointed, exhausted, worn out, embarrassed, ashamed, hate, animosity

My Needs-  understanding, shelter, love, connection, safety, stability, harmony, peace, honesty, authenticity, joy, communication, closeness, security, TRUST

My Requests- to take time for myself and to seek out and keep company with only genuine people who can meet my needs and not make me feel like this again.

Second comes Finding the Compassion to Forgive

I am wanting to forgive the person who made me feel this way- my former husband

He brought havoc and distress and terrible things into my life and my home after falsely leading me to believe otherwise.

I believe he was attempting to create a safe and normal place for himself but didn't take into consideration the reasons he needed this and used me and hurt me in the process.

I wish those things  had not happened to him as a child and that he would have let me help him or would have sought more help as an adult.

I give him the gift of acceptance- of what has happened in the past and of the idea that it is ok to get help.

Last comes processing through theraputic art
See above pics

Monday, August 5, 2013

You Will Fly Again

Blogalong with Effy the Wild and the Glitterhood

"The Root of My Evil"
"The Thorn in My Side"
"The Bane of My Existence"

Whichever of these titles fits..... take your pick.

I have recently, this past week, attempted to do two things.... Effy's Lesson in Lifebook 2013 about Heart Sight/ Heart Light and the "Inner Excavation" chapter 6 "I Open My Heart".  Now for those of you familiar with my art it is mostly cheerful and happy.  However, if I could pinpoint one issue that I have, it would be this.

Somethings I have come to understand about myself more in depth over the past week:
1.  I feel like I cannot share my heart and soul with anyone.
2.  This is due to trust issues.
3.  I feel like I shall burst open if I cannot do this.
4.  I feel like no one loves me even though I know my family does.
5.  This is of my own doing.

To think of trusting someone with my heart, body, and soul brings tears to my eyes and invokes a panic attack.  I know that I want this, need this, desire this.  But, at the same time, I don't know how.

It makes me depressed and lonely sometimes not to be able to do this or to have someone with which to share with.  I really wish I could trust someone that much.  But people are fickle.

I want someone to love me for who I am and not only because I make them feel good.  I need that too. 

A therapist told me a long time ago --- I give so much of myself to others and it seems there is no one to give anything back to me.  My cup is empty and needs to be refilled- but who can I trust to fill it when needed?

People just take and take and don't give anything back.  Why are people so selfish? 

Maybe I have become self-absorbed due to trying to fill my own cup for so long.  I feel like a sinking ship and panic because the hole keeps getting bigger and I'm trying to keep it from flooding.  I welcome help but, in the end, the helpers were just passing through with no thoughts of actually helping- just there to say hi.

I really and truly believe this is my issue.  I have made a life for myself, am generally happy with the person I am.  Love my little homestead with all of its beauty, enjoy being able to create art whenever I feel like it.  I have my family all around.  I can pretty much do whatever I want.

But I still feel this hole, the missing part of me...

If I could put this all into a poem I would but not today :-)